Log in

Dizzy's *~Spiral~* Downward [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | Many many pictures..... ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Jul. 8th, 2008|03:14 am]
Yeah I'm up at 2:30 am waiting to see if my husband will get online. He just got internet and I'm so excited at a possible long web cam conversation with him that I wanted to wake early morning. I sit here and stare at his offline icon for both msn and yahoo and get impatient. I shouldn't though, the army is all about disorder. If he doesn't get online I'm in trouble considering I have already started into my half pot of java. It was amazing when I finally saw his smile and and beautiful eyes yesterday. It was a worthy reason for going to work an hour late. My moods are improving back and forth. I'm suspecting I CAN NOT drink tequila. Anything I surpress in my day hours is coming out into an angry drunk. I actually slapped one of my guy neighbors for thinking he called me something. Not that I'm drunk all the time, it seems to hit me worse that I only party on the weekends. Well just a short update since I can't really think this early haha.
linkpost comment

Doesn't look like much yet huh? [Jan. 30th, 2008|04:33 pm]

Doesn't look like much yet huh?, originally uploaded by dizemama.

the canvas size is 30x40 inches! I've been overwhelmed staring at it so I made a risky choice. I opened up the new oil paints I got for Christmas, something I have no knowledge of and have never used. Instead I was pleasantly surprised to find out just a few dabs of oil paint with some paint thinner can cover this big canvas! Good choice on background coverage!

Joined a site called WetCanvas! and love it- place I can interact with other artists and get good even critique.

linkpost comment

(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2008|11:42 am]
So I'm having to back up from ancestry.com some, it's gotten frustrating trying to tie in Henry Levi Dempsey- I have a few people on there that are possible fathers, because the entire GA line comes from one common ancestor- one of his children had married someone with the same last name and that usually happens with people living close by. Shocking piece getting back to the 1700's family Holts married their half sybling and continued the family. Looking forward to finding a public archives to look for the missing links on Henry Levi, it's driving me nuts!

Supposed to be meeting my art client today for down payment on next painting- I have to order supplies to get this one going because I'll be making the canvas myself. Looking at about 30x40 in canvas size and I'm not going for any traditional subject matter. He wants another wine painting for his kitchen/ dining area. So I started googling and everything was the same- wine bottle, glass and grapes on a nicely clothed table. Gotta have something standing out. So a quote got stuck in my head about "men are like grapes and women are like fine wine...." and an image popped into my head. Close up of a wine glass with grapes pushed against the glass- the wine will have a woman's image in the ripples and the reflection on the grapes will be a man looking into the glass. Client was for the idea if I can make it happen, I offered mixed media with paper quotes on the painting but he doesn't trust they will stay on. We are projecting about $300 on this next one.

Jason might not get leave for February- it's going to his commander for dire circumstances, I think his is- his daughter lives in GA and won't get to see her daddy for almost a year! I really hate Amber got Jaden pumped up about this, Carol had warned her you never get excited about anything the Army controls. Jason serves his country and they fuck him over everytime he blinks. Now if they say a definite no- he has to break it to his daughter. Harsh. We will be going to GA mid March after Jason deploys for awhile. Jaden looks forward to seeing Genna again but that won't help her heart about her daddy.

I really hate I'm dedicated to painting for this one client- he's paid me the most singularly per painting, but it keeps me from starting a gallery for a (hopefully) future art show. I think subject and design will be alot stronger when it's not a requested theme and it's reflecting every ounce my soul can throw into it. I want to start the first mini set of life and the universe, which will hang in my bedroom for time being.
linkpost comment

Addictive [Jan. 24th, 2008|09:38 am]
That's a way to express ancestry.com, and I'm going to pay the $160 a year membership too. I'm on my next manic obsessive conquest. Family tree- seems more beneficial and I get to use my brain to tie stuff together and research. Been working on this about a week now and have compiled 242 members in the tree that's with waiting on my mom for her family info and I still have to email jason's aunt on his mom's side. Once you get so many generations back you start running into other member's with those people in their trees that have already done the lengthy dirty research. Of course deciding if it's correct is different- ran into some people born in the 1700's and the person's tree reflect both mother and father gave birth to their only child at age 70, not really likely so I dismissed that lead. It's not just my family, I'm working on Jason's family lines too so lots and lots of directions- both have hit a string of relatives plugged into One World Tree and we have some common far off distant ancestors but I havne't found any common direct ancestors (like 2nd cousin 14 times removed or 6th cousins 3 times removed). I've gotten just involved in this I'm having trouble stopping and going to bed. My dad's sister is working on ancestry. com for my dad's side too and is having the same problem. I close my eyes and all these names keep flashing.

Now with both of our families I have found 2 cases on the same line of decendants where there was some cousin marriage. 3 cases were 2nd cousin or less, but finding Holts with the same name led me up to they were 1st cousins. Not saying anything to the effect of today's family these were 200 years- or more families ago. I want to keep working my goal is to see if me and Jason share any common long ago ancestors, which is likely since alot are traced back to immigrating in America's earliest times.

Already running into cool history talking to family. Apparently my first decendant of the Figge line here in the US from Germany not only joined up the Ohio Regiment for the Civil War but disappeared for 3 years to join up the Wild West Show with Wild Bill Hickok. This was my 3 greats grandfather, Daniel J. Figge. And if Meg reads this- sorry haven't found ANY Jewish links. And based off the portrait my dad has of our first Figge decendant- he doesn't look Jewish but extremely German. On my great grandparents I found a newspaper article just about him and his mission work with building churches which my grand dad did also. I thought my Aunt Eilene was doing that old person exaggeration about walking in the snow to school in below freezing, but the article listed while in Canda they did walk a few miles to school in below 40 degrees! It mentioned my Aunt Eilene's missionary work in South Africa and how she taught nursing there. My Aunt- my dad's sister also clued my in that the great grandmother that used to sit and talk art with me as a child and force me to draw a certain way- her paintings are worth a small fortune now! My 8x11's of hers are about $500, and the couch paintings (which I will soon aquire one) are worth about $5000.

I have hit a block on the Dempsey line- hoping a family tree member will allow me to view what they have but noone has any info, no records of Henry L. Dempsey's parents or syblings. Even found forums of people asking about him too. Otherwise while home in GA I will have to try and find a public archives so I can get his line flowing. I'm hoping to at least get 6 generations back with each grandparent on our lines but that may be difficult. But I look forward to some real ground work also to see what I can find- it may uncover more information than I expect and I will have him public on the tree for others that have been searching info for him.

The coolest thing is accessing famous relatives- it connects you into One World Tree and showed Jason's 22nd great grandfather was Geoffrey Chaucer, an english author born in 1343. His only straight direct relation of a famous person, and mine was Richard Lovelace being my 12th Great grand uncle which isn't direct but alot more has to be plugged in.
link1 comment|post comment

Armaggedon dream [Jan. 18th, 2008|10:04 am]
[Tags|, ]

I know the dream book says this is about anxiety towards a big change. This one was so realistic and very different from ALL of my previous end of days dreams. I usually dream about lava- volcanoes popping up and ending up in a cave or something unable to reach anyone I love to check on them, once I was trapped in the house while pregnant while lava ingulfed the outside and left me trapped. These dreams usually take place in unfamiliar settings or places I've never been. This time it happened in Covington.

The farthest back in the dream I can remember is being on a bus and we were fighting someone violent. This part is unclear because the following disturbed me so badly. Suddenly a tidal wave of water crashed into the bus and we were surging underwater thru the town, all the windows were up and somehow it was not leaking. For some reason the light showed thru the water well and we could see buildings and cars surging along as well. It didn't last long and the water resided. We hadn't heard of any warnings and were baffled. We were able to get out and walked thru the demolished town. There were bodies like the tsunami pictures but mostly debri and partial buildings. We got to the Newton Plaza and there was this strange glow or redness lighting everything up. There were hundreds of people gathered. There were 4 bath tubs lined up with entire families sitting in them. I asked what happened, what's going on. A man looking quite prepared said, "this is our final day, as the sun rises we will all meet our maker and the world will end." A comet or asteroid had hit earth and caused instant tsunamis across the world, it had also knocked the earth alot closer to the sun. I had noticed for a.m. hours in winter it had already turned into the hottest of days in the summer. The entire crowd was eagerly awaiting the prophesy and figured it would be like a rapture. But fear struck into my family. We hid in a nearby apartment building. I remember this apartment being about 3 floors up and had a large sunroom extended off the living room. As the sun began to rise, people started to blister up in the streets, adults held their children as they screamed in agony. Me and Jason scrambled to shut curtains, to put up things to block the windows, which in reality we would know this wouldn't stop the sun's heat or causing things to burn, after 15 minutes I lifted rubble out of the window to glance outside and burned my hand. People were laying in the streets skin bubbling, apparently dead.

For some reason I was confronted by a man's wife that I had an affair with him, that she knew and had forgiven him and was forgiving me so she could go in peace. I rushed in and told Jason what I had done and asked his forgiveness and he forgave me. We sat on a green couch and huddled together as a family as we felt the heat bear down on us more and more. Then I woke up.

I tried going back to the dream which took a long time to fall back to sleep. Things had changed, something had passed. The sun only scorched the earth for one day and the earth bounced back. What I couldn't determine in the dream is we were already dead. The only way I can determine that is the abundance of people walking around, the destruction all gone, and Skylor was with us still a baby, and quite content. It was an entire different existence, people's speech was different, mannerisms. Mentions of paranoia the martians attacked us. People were aware of the devastation that occurred, but noone seemed aware it was undone, and more unaware that we were all dead. None of us wanted to mention it either, all that mattered was we were a family again and Skylor was with us.

Now to be different from other end of days dreams, this one made more sense. In order of creation the sun provides life and it took away life. Just wanted to write it all down to look back at it if something in my life connects to this stuff. Also Skylor does not hardly EVER make appearances in my dreams, the last was spring of 2007.
linkpost comment

I wish I were more normal.... [Jan. 17th, 2008|11:22 pm]
I don't know why I've alway tried to escape who I am. I've heard so many say that. It's time for me to accept what I was diagnosised with as a teenager. Ever since that psychiatrist said "she's bipolar" I've made every excuse to deny it. At the time it could have been strongly influenced by situational depression. At the time it was, and now the symptoms of bipolar have grown even stronger. I have ever single symptom, and each symptom is growing more extreme and causing me less normal fuctionality. The reason I'm suddenly so nervous is as the symptoms become more severe- psychosis becomes a possibility. My brother has had that happen to him and it's almost ruined his life. I don't want that to happen to me, I don't want to ruin my family life.

Even scarier I've read up on borderline personality disorder and it's like I've finally found an explanation to something I've experienced that has always baffled people. I'm afraid I have every single symptom of that and it goes hand in hand alot with bipolar. The symptom that scares me the most is my extreme outbursts of anger. It is completely unprovoked and it's been a problem for me since childhood. I used to act out on it full force- anyone could ask my mom about my "at the top of my lungs demonic screams". They come from nowhere- my daughter trying to get attention, my husband putting his keys on the counter. My family doesn't deserve this from me, my parents didn't either. Before I could only define it well when I was a teenager and children were bugging me. I felt like I had pin needles poking me all over my head and then an uncontrollable explosion of anger followed. Jason had gotten onto me so much lately about my outbursts because I usually have to direct them at someone. Distinctions of this disorder usually lead to substance abuse. Alot of have pointed out lately how my drinking has gotten a little out of hand. How do you explain to anyone the only way you can deal with a 3 year old clinging to you and wanting your attention is to drink and shut off your brain? That sounds horrible yet it's true. I drink so I can let my daughter cuddle with me, so I can interact with her.

I know my major problems are the outbursts, second is my constant loss of interest in things. I have been painting for 6 months again- probably my longest streak, but it just left me and I'm supposed to be taking on some large paintings commissioned. I can't explain that to the client. Reading stuck a short time, exercising even shorter, church- man do I get spiritual for a few months and then it just leaves me! I'm also happy and rely on people and then I can't trust anyone and I feel like they are ridiculing me. I shouldn't feel like that but right now especially I feel like everyone is making fun of me and talking about me behind me back, so I don't want to talk to them.

Don't get me started on intellectual conversation or trivia board games. I know I'm smart, but I don't feel it anymore. I can't concentrate, I can't remember anything, and I can't keep a train of thought but for moments. I want to get better, I want to be normal, therefore I have to schedule a doctor's appointment and describe all of this to him.
link2 comments|post comment

So for now.... [Jan. 16th, 2008|12:51 pm]
mental marker- Grandma Merle passed January 12, 2008 same day as Sky's funeral.

We are at the estimated 2 month mark for deployment.

I've been on some sort of OCD kick where almost 2 weeks ago I got the entire house clean. Since then I've been keeping the house clean but it's draining me so bad- it takes all day maintaining. It strikes a nerve when there is a dish in the sink or left in the living room, when every night I start the dishwasher, and every morning I empty it. There is never clean dishes left in there and it is driving me nuts when there are dishes about. The worst argument is hot sauce bowls, Jason gets mad at me for putting it up and emptying the leftover hot sauce but I want EVERYTHING picked up. Also walking in to find a ramen noodle pack and seasoning all over the counter when the trash can is 3 feet more away is driving me nuts. Empty Dr. Pepper cans on the counter. When I say OCD I mean I'm making the bed everyday, picking up laundry, scrubbing counters 3-5 times a day, vaccuuming every other day. As soon as everyone is finished eating I have to get the kitchen clean again immediately. I scrubbed bathrooms this weekend and was astounded by "i clean my bathtub" which only meant the tub part, the tiling around the shower area was almost black! I was so sore from scrubbing it but both bathrooms are staying clean and trash emptied. I've been taking trash out too, and today I asked kindly and Jason actually took it out. The scariest is that I want to dust again though I did it 3 days ago, I like the smell. And I love my new sweeper mop though it doesn't scrub that well. I can't even get started with Genna bringing toys out of her room- I'm going Nazi with that. I gotta get 2 loads of laundry down when Genna falls asleep- oh yeah the laundry has stayed done and put up. After nap take these couch covers to dry cleaners so I can give them to Amber, take movies back and get more Dr.Pepper. I've done really good about if we watch the movies I take them right back for more- making the money count on the monthly rental membership.

I can't stop, just keep cleaning but I'm so tired. Yesterday I could hardly move. It was mentioned I might have a vitamin deficiency so I read up and I got some strong symptoms for B12 deficiency. My hands have been going numb alot, it even wakes me up all night, but during the day it's frustrated me losing feeling in my hands. Other symptoms listed depression, memory loss, can lead to dementia which sometimes I feel like I'm demented, affects the nervous system. Only symptom I didn't have was weight loss, I've been gaining weight. Main symptom is constant tiredness. That's my main problem. I'm pushing myself so hard for something that used to be a small extra in my day. I can't believe I used to work such long hour weeks and clean and shop and go out all the time! Now it's a struggle to do one of those things per day. Usually by Genna's naptime I go to sleep too because my body is already so worn out. It just doesn't make sense, so I finally swapped our healthcare back to Texas and chose doctors. I'm going to keep pushing and if it's not getting better I'll set up an appointment next week.
link1 comment|post comment

Genna's first drawing [Jan. 15th, 2008|10:33 am]

Genna's first drawing, originally uploaded by dizemama.

the amazing thing is I can see she was drawing what she was seeing...... that's me and her in the picture while we sat in our leasing office. The manager gave her paper and crayons to stay busy while we discussed a cake. I see she also drew the desk and all the circles are probably all the stuff on the desk. My amazing little 3 year old is going to be a great artist!!!! She insisted I wrote Genna and Mommy on it at the time, I had no idea then she had just drawn us and the setting. It was her first people drawing and first I had seen her draw anything I could comprehend!

linkpost comment

the good byes will come too soon [Jan. 11th, 2008|08:40 am]
I'm getting sick everyday with anticipation. I don't know what to say let alone think anymore. I can't stand the unfairness of losing another year and a half with my husband.

I know I'm not alone and this happens to thousands of families, just seems like a big sacrifice on everyone's parts involved. I have read some of a book called Heroes at Home- someone recognizes the "silent ranks".

Jason has already gone into distancing himself from me again, not that we had really gotten back to harmony. The silence disturbs me, the lack of affection and affirmation eat away at me. All I want is for this short time to count, for him not to regret his distance once he's gone again. I want to feel like a beautiful woman and a loved wife, right now I feel like a shadow.
linkpost comment

It's been 2 years...... [Jan. 5th, 2008|06:27 pm]
I truthfully didn't realize the date. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention or maybe because I've been sick and so distracted. But yes it was Mimi that remembered, that reminded my husband's stepmom and dad, that wanted to call me. It's the only person that has for that reason today.

I'm surprised I can't get even get thru to my own parents. My mom's phone is turned off going straight to voicemail. My dad well both parents I really don't even want to talk to right now. It makes me sick how they wonder why I have more to do with Jason's family. Because his family cares to interact with me!!! My mom calls me once in a blue moon to talk about her love life and church and her almost fiance. My dad- well I have to call him and he's always talking about tough it is with him and if I try to talk to him about stuff he rolls it off as God's plan. I'm sorry but that's why we are able to talk to other humans- even if it is God's plan. I'm still hurt that I have to run both my parents down to get attention- that they aren't interested in keeping a relationship with me. And in their minds they are probably both thinking everything is fine. My dad got Christmas presents for his wife's grandkids, and Bella, but nothing for Genna. He didn't even call me on Christmas, late at night I finally got him. That just really hurts the way they express love. I know my husband's stepmom and dad are there for me, but throughout my life someone has always played substitute to my mom and all I really wanted was my mom to show love. In highschool it was first my mom's best friend that showed affection, and then my 3rd grade teacher turned foster mom. Later teenage years was an ex's mom and a friend's mom.

One friend saw a bulletin on myspace and asked how I was- I'm just hurt noone remembered- I know it's Saturday but today is when he died. My husband has been at work and when home he napped so neither of us have talked either. I'm just sad for the wrong reason today. I want another baby so bad but I'm afraid it won't happen now. That is what I miss the most is him cuddling into my neck- oh he fit so well into me, he would just melt. I don't want to think about that day, I don't want to ever think about that day, just when he was ok before we went to GA.
link1 comment|post comment

[ viewing | 10 entries back ]
[ go | earlier/later ]