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Unhealthy frame of mind [Aug. 3rd, 2008|09:08 am]
Something had me squirmish this morning. I kept checking email over and over and then my curiousity got to me. I typed in icasualities.org to see if there were any listings since I can't talk to Jason right now. There was a vehicle accident yesterday, one fatality one wounded. Well I know Jason isn't driving because they have him being gunner, the guy sticking out the top so if there is a roll over he isn't protected and if there is gun fire he is unprotected. I'm sick all the time with worry. I didn't drink when he wrote me that he is gunner. I went out to a movie instead. I'm one week 2 days into being sober. My antidepressants mess up everything after a couple of drinks. So it wasn't the alcohol keeping me from eating though my stomach is staying upset so much it didn't help. I'm worrying myself sick. I didn't worry last deployment about him like this, though he was inside the fob entire time before. This time it's raids, patrols, security, missions. Entire time. I'm sick. My anxiety is ridiculous, I shouldn't need the medicine but I only take it when I feel the attack coming on and it's becoming more frequent. I had an anxiety attack yesterday because my hair wouldn't get fixed right, looked awful and I was late for work because of it. The site reported "name not released" because they haven't notified family. I'm staying scared all the time of men in class A's walking down our sidewalk, or walking into my work. We have an army recruiting place across the parking lot so that doesn't help. My biggest sin is how much I let my fear control me. I can't give it all over to God. I feel like He will take everything from me now. I'm not angry about it like Jason is but it hurts still. I try to only talk about Skylor shortly now, because if I tell his story I start becoming very angry again at the doctors. All the doctors that saw him, the pitiful amount of medical help provided here for military. The pathetic lack of information from Egleston as to what was wrong with him. To tell me there was NOTHING wrong with him was bullshit! Socializing has dropped down to rarely for me. Erin is moving back home until January. Some other neighbors are too ridden with alcoholism and PTSD it gets too insane. My best friend here is always busy with school or work. Which leaves me Olga mostly but she starts work soon too. Then Christy, she's in Nolanville and we have a hard time coordinating our schedules to hang out. It's generally depressing, I know it will get better when I get Genna back this coming weekend. The house is literally dead without her here. She brings so much light into my life, I don't want to rely only on her to be my happiness because as she grows she won't need me as much as I enjoy now. I love being the person she cries for, the person she clings to, hearing " I love my mommy so so much". As she gets older I won't be her favorite thing anymore though she will still be mine. I wish I could find a better distraction today from my worries. My friend Cassy told me I will give myself a heart attack before I'm 30 from worrying so much. Maybe she's right. I just can't wait for this to be done with finally for him to be home safe! Only 5 months in now. *sigh*......

[User Picture]From: l_anana
2008-08-03 04:12 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I hope that you hear from Jason soon and that helps put your mind at ease. I'll have you in my thoughts and prayers.
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[User Picture]From: dizemama
2008-08-04 11:56 am (UTC)
thanks girl.
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