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My heart is racing so badly, even after double dosage of anxiety… - Dizzy's *~Spiral~* Downward [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Jul. 10th, 2008|09:22 pm]
My heart is racing so badly, even after double dosage of anxiety medicine. My hands were numb for 2 hours today. I feel like life can come crashing down any minute. Not the normal life stuff, the I could lose everything I care about in my life kinda stuff. I fought with my husband today thru an IM yes it's possible and even on the third time chatting with him in 4 months. His ex is keeping me totally stressed out. Then to call and vent to have my mother in law out shopping with the witch to buy her a dress for the cruise they are taking her on this fall. My husband's ex is going on a cruise with my in laws. Yep. I feel 100% on the back burner about everything I feel and experience. Everyone needs me for something but what I need I can't have. Just some peace of mind. To be able to have the ex in our lives without worrying what she is saying to my husband or thinking of doing to my husband. I wish my husband had the right words to comfort me instead of defending his ex. I know he doesn't want me bitching at him with everything else he has going on, Carol drilled that into my head tonight... bombs, death, then wife bitching that he might want his ex. Regardless if I'm a great wife or even near to a good one, I have put in time and emotion and effort and patience into my marriage to have someone that has already caused enough hurt mess that up for me. Why is her poster on his wall, even after his daughter didn't want that sent to him? I'm hoping he hung my poster or it's just gonna straight out hurt. I'm so lonely yet so surrounded by people all the time. Sometimes I just want to shut out the sounds, the laughter, the phones ringing and just have someone really become concerned about me. Not just chit chat or occupying time. Really connect. I wish I hadn't let Genna go for the summer. At the same time I was getting stressed out and annoyed with her decline in behavior. I'm scrubbing coffee off of random spots on wall now at work. Scrubbing whatever, organizing whatever, learning new files just for the heck of it. It takes these anxiety pills to push all my worries, thoughts, dreams, fears into the back of my head so I can get distracted again. I know it can't be a healthy way to catalogue information in the brain to keep throwing it in the old filing cabinet. After a while you don't know what documents you are reading or what they mean anymore. Right now I just want it all to go away. To not think about the husband that is in the middle of a war zone, driving in convoys that miss IED's by seconds and raid homes where there is gun fights. I don't want to think about the moral less bitch of an ex he has that does what she wants with no regard to other's emotions or consequences. I dont' want to think about calling her again and how I'll bite my lip. I don't want to think about how my daughter is probably sad she's not snuggling with her mommy and telling me every exciting thing as small as it seems, happened in her day. I dont want to think about all the things my friends want me to do or be. I dont' want to think about my car tags I gotta mail out for and my driver's licenses because my birthday is coming closer which is not exciting either. I'm tired of being jealous of people who are affectionate. I'm tired of the fact my husband stopped reading my mind after our first year together and claims now I'm a puzzle. I really don't want to think about the kind of marriage or future I'll have if Jason never accepts God into his life again. He says he loves me completely but God is part of me, so therefore he doesn't love me. I just don't want to think at all!!!!!

[User Picture]From: ochez76
2008-07-20 12:33 pm (UTC)
2 days before you were the total opposite. (July 8th post) How are you now? Have you taken Chrissy time? What do you do on your off days at the salon? Think back real far and remember what used to make you smile when you were alone. Something that made you close your eyes and feel it. Go back to that place. My thing is music. An old CD I used to listen to when I was 16...take a deep breath girl. I miss you. Wish we were closer so you could talk to me on that level. I may not understand but you can call and I'll listen. Email me. Chat with me if you want. But if you want to get away from it all, go ahead and take a mental vacation from everyone socially. Except Genna of course and others that require your communication. Don't even check your email or anything that has you doing something you feel like you HAVE to do. Be lazy for a week or 2. It is possible. You worry me but I never know what to do but reach out and offer my support.
On a side note, he shouldn't favour his ex so much but you also may be reading too much into it considering your anxiety level. "This too shall pass"...hang in there. Don't quit.
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[User Picture]From: dizemama
2008-07-20 12:46 pm (UTC)
it's so funny you write this reading back on it. I think my anxiety left me just drained enough this last week in all my spare time I just stayed in bed. Minus friday night taking a neighbor to the ER and losing massive sleep before our busy Saturday. I feel I've done really well coping with everything this deployment, minus adjusting to Amber (the ex). I just don't know what to do except try to place a conceitedness around myself that I know Jason would only want me because I'm hotter, sexier, or something. Other than this week my off days from salon were very busy. My time off after work was always busy. Oh and I'll be in town for one weekend next month. THanks girl.
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