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Chrissy

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So my LJ will turn a new page [Nov. 21st, 2008|10:45 am]
Chrissy
Me and Jas have been discussing my documented history on here. There isn't much happiness in it. But my life actually has been quite happy for some time now. I've just forgotten to write it in here because I've left this place a prison for all of my darkest thoughts and deepest desperations. But over 6 months now, our love took a new step and we broke thru our wall. We have so much inspired for our future together. Our bond is restored and at it's strongest. I got to realize how much I love to just lay around and cuddle and I miss it badly at the moment. R&R was a sign that all of our online talks of deep confession and understanding were not of falseness. They were a true sign we had pulled through and entering the next chapter. We found love again. We got matching wedding band tattoos now. It's so special to look down at that all the time knowing he is doing the same, feeling that same warmth. I feel better than ever before, full of appreciation, admiration, and respect. That he sees me as the woman of intelligence and loves my soul for what it is. Religion was our constant battle but when we both decided to bring religion totally out of our picture and be open about our thoughts, it caused constant positive conversation. I'm finally getting to know who he really is and with that feel so much more comfortable in expressing my thoughts and feelings. I'm not afraid to tell him if I'm upset and doing it the write way and then letting it go. His last paragraph of his latest blog made me feel so proud because I think it's the first that he has publicly put his thoughts about his wife on the web. Other than comments on a few pictures, he has kept his views of his wife very secretive, I want people to know my husband thinks of me more than just "beautiful". I know my beauty will fade, but if he really loves ME, then I will always remain 22 sparkling and thin in his eyes. Just as I want people to know how intelligent and dedicated my husband is, how much he teaches me about dealing with my own emotions. How I admire him everyday for what he does and what he will do. Because I can rely on him and he can rely on me. I just have nothing to complain about now except the outside influences in life but in the end I'm satisfied knowing what I have in my home.
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working on a country song [Nov. 15th, 2008|09:35 pm]
Chrissy
(verse 1)
This wasn't quite what I planned up, once a girl with such big dreams.
Now I sit here all alone, tryin to figure out just what it means.
See I'm here by my choice, not a another sad ole' love song.
The pride behind it all, nothing about this feels wrong.
Cause I always have your love, stronger and bolder than ever before.
We picked a hard path to tread, but in the end we'll have conquered more!!

It's you I adore......

(chorus)
I'm your strength, and your support, I'm always here, your iron fort!
your first defense, a barbed wire fence, no command here to report.
Thru all this constant strife, and joining up the fight,
I'm just your army wife and you are my life.
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Brothers [Oct. 3rd, 2008|08:39 am]
Chrissy
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My dad is getting to find out boys are more stressful than girls when it comes to raising youngn's. Either that or he is getting pay back for how hard he was on me when I was generally a good kid. My little sister doesn't have the same dad, but she's the biggest angel of us all, not the baby syndrome of being the biggest brat or biggest trouble maker. She's truely the best out of all of us. My brother's are making my dad lose more hair over the same issue. Dating. First it was legal issues over there criminal sprees. Now they are rebelling and both dating people they shouldn't. It's one thing my dad has been as casual about dating for them compared to me. But they really do not pick the right people. I mean I dated a butthead asshole for the longest and daddy voiced his opinion. Luckily I married the only guy my dad ever liked. But the brother right below me, Josh, is dating my dad's best friend's ex wife. Yeah Craig is younger than my dad but he married jail bait, had a kid, and got divorced, she's the same age as my brother. Respect would say, that's an off limit relationship. But he ignores everyone, even the fact she has slept with a gazillion guys since her and her husband split up. Then we have dealt with years and years of drama with Matthew dating Tiffany since middle school. They lost their virginity together, oops. Then broke up. Matt was dating a great girl since high school, and suddenly he's back with Tiffany. She still has entire photo sets on flickr dedicated to her boyfriend of last month, yet my brother's pictures had disappeared. Urg, I wish both my brothers would get some common sense. I know it's not any of my business who they date, but at the same time it's weird feeling this way. They are suckers for blonde haired, blue eyed girls. I wish Josh and his ex whitney would get back together, his baby's mama. I wish Matthew would play the dating field a little. Both are good looking boys so it's not like there aren't gobs of girls looking for an attractive guy with great personality and goofy humor. Wow I just realized how it feels to be a grown up OLD sister haha!
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(no subject) [Sep. 25th, 2008|08:47 am]
Chrissy
Well compared to a month ago it has finally calmed down again at work last couple weeks. I asked my boss to hire two more part time receptionists and I would take part time hours again. Not only does that cover me for taking off that month for R&R, but also if there is a call in to work we have more options. Timing couldn't have been better, seems either my IBS is causing me pain or the dreaded endometriosis is coming back. Alot of pain and staying tired all the time again. So I have enjoyed my one day cut from the week..... I didn't enjoy finally cleaning house. My back hurt for days afterwards.... sign of getting older I guess. I told my boss after R&R if one receptionist quits I will go back full time but am ok with my hours for now. Both of our new receptionists seem perfect for the spots. One is a stylist who had already worked in a JC Penney salon. The other girl reminds me of a younger version of myself.... which is hilarious, only she's on the original path I had chosen. 21 going to school for nursing, SURFS, awesome personality, and she's OCD like me. She said me and her have to make a date to go take me surfing for the first time. It's been a life long desire to surf. As a child I constantly told my mom when I was a senior in high school I wanted to live with my grandma in San Diego so I could go to college there and surf on the weekends. It didn't happen, but nothing is too late. I went shopping, more clothes to reflect an extremely fashionable salon. Also more to reflect me, I'm loving that the mitch-matching era is back! I love I can wear a lime green shirt with an accent of orange with burnt orange heels! I love my leggings! I love my barbie shoes with the buckles and zippers all over them (purple and pink shiny). I am on a mission for poofy skirts though, everything is fitted spandex right now, I want to blend the 80's weirdo look with cutesy poodle skirts knee length. I got a big black feather thing for my hair too. I am so happy big accessories are back in! I feel like the 5th grade girl that wore hot pink jogging pants with white flats can finally express herself again! (Without being picked on for it this time!) Wow this is first time in ages I've dived into fashion full force....but finding my own look too. Like my Monday outfit, many things rearranged made a killer outfit. White pants with thin brown pin stripes, long black tank top with stars and sequins, short elbow grandma lacey tan colored sweater.
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2008|08:27 am]
Chrissy
There are some things driving me nuts..... my job is loading down stress in new angles. First we are short a receptionist this week because she quit without telling us. Second our printer has been burning out for awhile now. So starting yesterday we were putting in customer info manually to show on our rebooking. We have been top in the district for 3 weeks now and they come over and "tell us how well we are doing" but keep ignoring problems making our jobs even harder. Then I login to my electric company account to see a $497 bill staring back at me. I called for the first time accusing inaccuracy, which led me to call the main electric providers to find out the last accuracy check was done 18 years ago!!!! Supposed to be done every 4 years by the way. My apartment is 1100 sq feet and I keep my AC on 80 and most all lights off all the time, even the fish only get the filter on once a week now. Just a quick ranting about all and everything is driving me crazy! I'm tired of scrambling for a babysitter last minute, I'm nervous about everything getting done right for Genna starting school. Planning R&R, saving money, the whole thing feels like I'm walking around with a 300 invisible fat man giving me a piggy back ride.
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Entering elementery school.... [Aug. 6th, 2008|09:34 pm]
Chrissy
I had no idea so much had to be bought for pre kindergarten. I can't believe how much stuff you gotta do for registration. And to find out every state has different immunization requirements. Poor baby just got 5 shots on her birthday, now she has to get 2 more in a month. GA didn't require hep A for kids born before 2006.... but texas did. She didn't need the hearing and eye test yet, so she'll be ready for kindergarten already too. I can't believe my baby girl is starting school... my boogar bear. She's so excited about it too. I found out for Jason's R&R I will have to withdraw her for the 3 weeks other wise she'll fail and then do the entire registration bit again. Oh man the list of school items.... water colors, colored pencils for a 4 year old?

Fortunately they ID the person that is getting the pre k and k kids from the bus stop.
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(no subject) [Aug. 5th, 2008|08:33 am]
Chrissy
Why does he have dangerous things to do this deployment. We have made it through so much for anything to happen. We have dealt with the hardest of times. I've had this cold dark feeling over me since Saturday night. The last time I got any replies from Jason was Thursday. I keep checking the icasualty site it's driving me crazy. My anxiety is unbearable, I am having to take the medicine almost everyday now (though it was prescribed for daily). If I'm not feeling anxious it makes me far too drowsy. I get a phone call at work yesterday from a neighbor.... "um Chrissy, I got some sorta bad news...." I literally stopped breathing my heart stopped beating. My first thought was soldiers in Class A's had been knocking at my door. Really scenario wise you try to play that over in your head beforehand because it is a possibility with war. But I found out I reacted in a way I didn't think I could have imagined. If she had actually said there were soldiers I would have ripped out screaming. I would have fainted. Especially considering I am spending everyday worried out of my mind for his safety. And his salvation. I know there is no marriage in heaven but I still do not want him to spend an eternal afterlife in hell. I love him no matter what his beliefs because I love just him. I think I wouldn't worry as much if him and God were on good terms. I would have faith he was in a good place but i don't know..... I'm just sick all the time with worry. Oh man I can hardly deal with it. I'm losing massive amounts of weight. Hardly eating.... stuff like crackers and fruit. Having nightmares every night about Jason leaving me for another woman or ignoring me all together. My mind is fragile right now. So fragile.
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Unhealthy frame of mind [Aug. 3rd, 2008|09:08 am]
Chrissy
Something had me squirmish this morning. I kept checking email over and over and then my curiousity got to me. I typed in icasualities.org to see if there were any listings since I can't talk to Jason right now. There was a vehicle accident yesterday, one fatality one wounded. Well I know Jason isn't driving because they have him being gunner, the guy sticking out the top so if there is a roll over he isn't protected and if there is gun fire he is unprotected. I'm sick all the time with worry. I didn't drink when he wrote me that he is gunner. I went out to a movie instead. I'm one week 2 days into being sober. My antidepressants mess up everything after a couple of drinks. So it wasn't the alcohol keeping me from eating though my stomach is staying upset so much it didn't help. I'm worrying myself sick. I didn't worry last deployment about him like this, though he was inside the fob entire time before. This time it's raids, patrols, security, missions. Entire time. I'm sick. My anxiety is ridiculous, I shouldn't need the medicine but I only take it when I feel the attack coming on and it's becoming more frequent. I had an anxiety attack yesterday because my hair wouldn't get fixed right, looked awful and I was late for work because of it. The site reported "name not released" because they haven't notified family. I'm staying scared all the time of men in class A's walking down our sidewalk, or walking into my work. We have an army recruiting place across the parking lot so that doesn't help. My biggest sin is how much I let my fear control me. I can't give it all over to God. I feel like He will take everything from me now. I'm not angry about it like Jason is but it hurts still. I try to only talk about Skylor shortly now, because if I tell his story I start becoming very angry again at the doctors. All the doctors that saw him, the pitiful amount of medical help provided here for military. The pathetic lack of information from Egleston as to what was wrong with him. To tell me there was NOTHING wrong with him was bullshit! Socializing has dropped down to rarely for me. Erin is moving back home until January. Some other neighbors are too ridden with alcoholism and PTSD it gets too insane. My best friend here is always busy with school or work. Which leaves me Olga mostly but she starts work soon too. Then Christy, she's in Nolanville and we have a hard time coordinating our schedules to hang out. It's generally depressing, I know it will get better when I get Genna back this coming weekend. The house is literally dead without her here. She brings so much light into my life, I don't want to rely only on her to be my happiness because as she grows she won't need me as much as I enjoy now. I love being the person she cries for, the person she clings to, hearing " I love my mommy so so much". As she gets older I won't be her favorite thing anymore though she will still be mine. I wish I could find a better distraction today from my worries. My friend Cassy told me I will give myself a heart attack before I'm 30 from worrying so much. Maybe she's right. I just can't wait for this to be done with finally for him to be home safe! Only 5 months in now. *sigh*......
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Spring cleaning at work done 3 months late. [Jul. 20th, 2008|07:48 am]
Chrissy
I am only known at work now as the "OCD organizer" or "super receptionist". Do people not have any pride to do their jobs efficiently for the pay they are receiving? I was scrubbing the desk and another receptionist was like "not in my job description". Regardless if we are not busy at a moment, we are getting paid for that time. IDK. Ok so the entire closet is labeled and in order at work now. Every box of hair dye has a label below it. Our entire reception area is spotless, organized and big accomplishment- the 2 months of old tasks are caught up completely now! (120 new client thank you letters), and after shopping for envelopes and other supplies productivity has been increased making it worth the cost of the supplies. Well and the printed letters and business envelopes look more professional too. I'm finding out cool and neat things daily. I will be reimbursed for my first set of supplies I bought for work, now that I know what works best at the desk, I can put a request into our finance person to order those supplies at business supply discount. Our main store manager also told me he is very impressed with how I'm getting the reception area under serious fixing. He usually looks scared when I holler his name, because I'm usually holding a list of problems to be addressed such as restocking our first aid kit because it's an OSSHA violation. Really too bad I didn't apply there when I moved here. Well here in a couple hours I'll be going in on my day off (but I'm getting paid) wearing jeans to scrub floors and sinks and walls. Because I'm the only person dedicated to cleaning so my manager asked me. District is coming on Wednesday and we are the top performing salon in district and in the top 20 for the nation. (of the JC penney's). So cleaning now, Tuesday I gotta get my hair dyed again and pink out. Then Wednesday and Thursday it's everyone put on their best customer service and push sales and rebooking. I was told by our finance person I will not get a raise for 6 months because i was hired on a level 2 pay or something. My manager said she will not rest until she gets me a raise in 2 weeks. She said I deserve it. Well so this was one entire blog just about WORK.
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2008|09:22 pm]
Chrissy
My heart is racing so badly, even after double dosage of anxiety medicine. My hands were numb for 2 hours today. I feel like life can come crashing down any minute. Not the normal life stuff, the I could lose everything I care about in my life kinda stuff. I fought with my husband today thru an IM yes it's possible and even on the third time chatting with him in 4 months. His ex is keeping me totally stressed out. Then to call and vent to have my mother in law out shopping with the witch to buy her a dress for the cruise they are taking her on this fall. My husband's ex is going on a cruise with my in laws. Yep. I feel 100% on the back burner about everything I feel and experience. Everyone needs me for something but what I need I can't have. Just some peace of mind. To be able to have the ex in our lives without worrying what she is saying to my husband or thinking of doing to my husband. I wish my husband had the right words to comfort me instead of defending his ex. I know he doesn't want me bitching at him with everything else he has going on, Carol drilled that into my head tonight... bombs, death, then wife bitching that he might want his ex. Regardless if I'm a great wife or even near to a good one, I have put in time and emotion and effort and patience into my marriage to have someone that has already caused enough hurt mess that up for me. Why is her poster on his wall, even after his daughter didn't want that sent to him? I'm hoping he hung my poster or it's just gonna straight out hurt. I'm so lonely yet so surrounded by people all the time. Sometimes I just want to shut out the sounds, the laughter, the phones ringing and just have someone really become concerned about me. Not just chit chat or occupying time. Really connect. I wish I hadn't let Genna go for the summer. At the same time I was getting stressed out and annoyed with her decline in behavior. I'm scrubbing coffee off of random spots on wall now at work. Scrubbing whatever, organizing whatever, learning new files just for the heck of it. It takes these anxiety pills to push all my worries, thoughts, dreams, fears into the back of my head so I can get distracted again. I know it can't be a healthy way to catalogue information in the brain to keep throwing it in the old filing cabinet. After a while you don't know what documents you are reading or what they mean anymore. Right now I just want it all to go away. To not think about the husband that is in the middle of a war zone, driving in convoys that miss IED's by seconds and raid homes where there is gun fights. I don't want to think about the moral less bitch of an ex he has that does what she wants with no regard to other's emotions or consequences. I dont' want to think about calling her again and how I'll bite my lip. I don't want to think about how my daughter is probably sad she's not snuggling with her mommy and telling me every exciting thing as small as it seems, happened in her day. I dont want to think about all the things my friends want me to do or be. I dont' want to think about my car tags I gotta mail out for and my driver's licenses because my birthday is coming closer which is not exciting either. I'm tired of being jealous of people who are affectionate. I'm tired of the fact my husband stopped reading my mind after our first year together and claims now I'm a puzzle. I really don't want to think about the kind of marriage or future I'll have if Jason never accepts God into his life again. He says he loves me completely but God is part of me, so therefore he doesn't love me. I just don't want to think at all!!!!!
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